Pain

Today has not been a good day. Don’t get me wrong, I do not exaggerate my pain, if anything, I try my best to understate the severity. Tonight I cannot bullshit or pull any punches. The pain was so bad it made me want to die. Literally. I love my life, and I very much want to remain here, but when my pain reaches certain levels of agony, in that moment, when it is peaking, I wish for death. It really is that bad, I promise.

For nearly the entire day, my right shoulder has been swollen and tender. One of the tendons connected to my scapula is really fibrous and stiff, not at all like a tendon should be. There is no massaging it out, either. I literally spent hour after hour while Brook worked on it for a long time too, and it hasn’t changed one iota. Then the pain came on in my chest – and let me get this out of the way right now – I am not having a heart attack. I used to think so, but it has been a really intense pain day and I have gotten these chest pains for as long as I have had this pain. Anyway, it began in my sternum, all the tendons there just flared up, a searing, burning pain, probably a 7 or 8 on the pain scale, it then worked down to my rib cage and to my back. The whole way it was pain between 8 – 10 on the severity scale. For probably two minutes it went on like this, horrid, terrible agony. I started crying. I hardly every cry because of my pain.

We videotaped the post-flare period and then when I started getting it again. I uploaded the footage of the minor flare up.

As I state in the video, I just recently got the ball rolling to start getting medical care from OHSU, the premiere medical staff in the state. It looks like I should be able to get the financial help I need so I can actually get things like MRIs and bloodwork and medications I cannot afford. I have an appointment to be seen in late April, but they promised to call if something opened up sooner. So things are hopeful, even while the pain is terrible.

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