candle

Swallowed by Darkness

candle

I am not in a good place right now. I know that the main reason is because I am exhausted. Too much work, too many emotions, and not enough self-care have conspired to rob me of whatever shred of positivity I have left. I have nothing left.

I cannot get the images of my daughter hanging from the tree out of my head. It’s bad enough that I keep replaying that scene over and over again, but what I am truly plagued by right now is the what-ifs? What if I hadn’t woken up in time? What if she had succeeded in killing herself? I cannot seem to stop thinking about and imagining this worst-case scenario. I see here there, hanging, stiff and lifeless for us to discover in the morning. It is the worst thing I can imagine, and I can’t stop imagining it.

I need sleep. I need more than one day to take care of myself. I need an outlet. I need medication. I need to stop. I just want to stop. How can I make it stop?

I am such a shell right now. I feel incapable of smiling, or laughing, or seeing good in much of anything. I know I won’t stay this way, but right now, this is where I am. Surrounded by the dark, with a wounded heart and seemingly no light to guide me out of it.